Friday Group Ride #373

Friday Group Ride #373

I don’t even want 5%. I’m going to make someone out there a ka-billionaire (a ka-billion is the billionaire equivalent in Kazakhstani tenge), and I don’t want a single tenge in return.

Like most cyclists, I ride all the hell over the place in a state of not-quite-contentment, hyper focused on, for example, the amount of sweat I produce and the inability of the left shoulder of my jersey to absorb it all. I couldn’t tell you why I exclusively swipe left when I ride. My right shoulder, while not entirely dry, could certainly, ahem, shoulder more of the sweat burden, but I am just made this way.

Also, before we go any further, PLEASE don’t post comments about getting a headband or one of those Guttr devices that channels sweat away from your forehead (into the face of the person riding behind you). What we’re doing here today is dreaming the big dreams. We’re becoming ka-billionaires. Don’t let a reasonable approach to a non-problem derail this paceline of fun, he said mixing metaphors pretty tragically.

I dream of a jersey with a left shoulder chamois. It should be highly absorbent, like a diver’s poolside towel, soft to the touch, and it should NOT look like one of those oversized sponges you buy at the autoparts store. To be successful, this thing is going to have to work (i.e. be able to store up to a gallon of perspiration) and also not make me look like the Fred I am. If possible, it should make me look less Fred-like, which, come to think of it, might be worth more than the hydrodynamics-defying absorbency.

I feel certain that, if we could all get in one room, we could spitball at least ten great new cycling product ideas in an hour or so, assuming there was an espresso maker and none of was sitting in an overly moist chamois.

Since we’re not going to be getting together in the near future, this week’s Group Ride asks, what heretofore unseen cycling product have you invented in the dank basement of your mind? Maybe yours is data related. People love data. Maybe yours is comfort inducing? Speed making? Share your ideas. Anything I make money on I’ll give you 5%.

Image: Seuss, M.D.

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  1. Girl

    A button that causes peoples’ cell phones to emit an ear-piercing sound and then explode. (I would use this in my car, as well, for all the txt-ers and people jabbering away on their phones.)

  2. Miles Archer

    More and more cars have sensors for collision avoidance, parking assistance, automatic lane keeping, etc. I want a device to carry on my bike that tells these sensors that I am a small, slow car to be avoided.

    Ok. another one. I ride on city streets that have stoplights. Too many of them have sensors that detect cars and only give a green light if a car is there. I want a device that would tell them that I am a car waiting. Can’t use the thing that fire trucks and ambulances use to override the lights – that would be illegal.

    All right, one more. I want a drone that flies in front of me and points out road hazards with a laser or something.

  3. scott g.

    I’d have White Industries make 7 speed freehub bodies for their hubs.
    I’d like Dave Wages to build me a Bates New All Rounder.
    HIre competent software engineers for Garmin, their stuff almost works,
    bloody annoying.

  4. Quentin

    I want to be able to push a button on my handlebar and stop any approaching dog dead in its tracks. Can some kind of ultrasonic device that can do that?

  5. Dizzy

    I’d like traffic laws that legislate car / bike injuries equal to gun injuries and include all medical care and loss of wages…what the heck, let’s set up some pain & suffering standards too.

  6. Jim

    I’m getting tired of having to choose whether to shift gears, or brake. Id really like a device that would allow me to have those two functions in one place. I’m not hopeful though; it’s probably too dangerous to reach down to the down tube to apply the brakes.

  7. Mark H

    I’d like a bar-mounted handkerchief holder. Actually two: one for forehead, one for nose. Umm… with a wringer

    But you know I’d never get around to laundering them.

  8. william

    compressed air chamber built into bike frame. this would allow for the bear spray to be fired as well as to inflate tires

  9. Kimball

    How about a quiet, well ventilated helmet that the balding can wear and not get sunburned through the vents? If done well it would just be one more feature on an otherwise excellent product that would appeal to many cyclists.

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