I Have Not Yet Decided How to Spend This $30,000 I Have Just Laying Around

As a person who is not a famous and award-winning blogger, you almost certainly spend more than half your waking hours wondering what it must be like to be me.

I can understand that. I can respect it. I can even sympathize, because I once found myself wondering what it would be like to be someone besides me, and you know what happened? I started thinking about what it must be like to be me.

Well, in order to satisfy your (completely justifiable) curiosity, today I’m going to give you a little peek into a dilemma I am currently working out.

You see, as a very famous, beloved, and award-winning blogger, I make a ton of money. Seriously, it’s just ridiculous. I mean, when I got into blogging I knew that it was lucrative, but really, I had no idea I’d be making money hand-over-fist like this.

As a result, each month I have given myself a monthly $30,000 allotment for bicycles and bicycle-related equipment.

And that’s where the hard part comes in.

For the month of June, I am thinking of focusing on road bikes. I am hence faced with a difficult dilemma: what should I spend my $30,000 on? I have narrowed it down to doing one of two things:

Option A

I could use my $30,000 to buy a fleet of high-end road bikes, including all of the following:

This leaves me with $1500 for upgrades. And let’s face it, there would be upgrades. That said, I think you might agree with me that this would be a fine road stable, and should keep me quite happy, at least for this month.

Option B

However, I can’t help but think that instead of buying four absolute beyond-dream bikes, I should perhaps buy this:

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Yes, this is the Factor 001: For the serious athlete! And by the way, that “for the serious athlete” and the accompanying exclamation point is straight from the company site, which can mean only two things:

  1. This bike is for serious athletes.
  2. This company is very excited about the fact that this bike is for serious athletes.

I can’t help but be drawn to the Factor 001. For one thing, since it costs $28,000 (base model), I wouldn’t have to spend all that time — and time is money (and in my case, time is a lot of money!) after all — purchasing and fitting those other four bikes.

Also, the Factor 001 is not just any bike. No. It’s a virtual cycling lab, containing these very exciting features, which I am taking straight from the press release and then interpreting:

  • Unique ergonometric data collection, logging and analysis capabilities: This means the cyclocomputer is included.
  • Biometric, physical force and environmental data harvested simultaneously: This means the included cyclocomputer also measures watts. And, evidently, knows which way the wind is blowing and if it’s raining.
  • Huge technology transfer potential to other sporting environments: This means they ran out of ideas for the bullet list, but didn’t want it to just have two items.

What they don’t list as a feature — but which I fully expect is included considering the price — is that the bike actually uses all this data to tell you how you’re doing. For example, if I’m not really applying myself, it might say, “I’m sorry, Fatty, but you don’t seem to be as serious an athlete as you ought to be.” Because, as noted, this bike is for serious athletes. Oops, I mean: serious athletes!

This $28,000 (or in my case, $30,000, because I plan to get the upgraded saddle) bike also has a very exciting feature: all new componentry. This is really good news, because I’ve been thinking lately that the scores of years and millions of dollars of research Campagnolo, Shimano, and (sure, let’s include it) SRAM have spent simply haven’t resulted in reliable, honed, time-tested parts. What I need is a bike that uses completely new and proprietary — albeit strikingly similar to what already exists — bike parts, designed by a car company.

Oh, and also I want the bike to weigh at least a pound more than any road bike that costs a fifth as much, and I want it to not be legal to race. Because, as you know, it’s silly to expect your training bike to have similar weight and handling characteristics to your race bike.

Above all, though, is the look of this bike. Pure elegance. Nothing says “sexy” to me quite like a lot of rectangles.

And that fork: ooh la la!

Decision

As you’ve no doubt guessed, I’ve made up my mind: I’m getting the Factor 001. The other bikes…well, they can wait ’til next month, I guess.

Unless I decide to use next month’s $30,000 to get that matching Arantix and Ascend I’ve had my eye on.

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