How to Get Fat in Four Delicious Steps

A Note from Fatty: Tomorrow I’ll be drawing the winner for the Photoshop raffle. Every $5.00 you donate at Bob’s LiveStrong Fundraising page earns you a chance at winning this $700 software (Mac or PC — you decide). Click here to donate now.

This morning, I stepped on the scale for the first time in about a month. It confirmed what I suspected, based on the suspicious fact that my fat pants are beginning to feel a little tight.

I currently weigh 181.2 (pounds, not kilograms, but the winter is young).

And so the question (and followup statement) you almost certainly have on your mind is, “Fatty, how did you do it? I want to know so I can know what it’s like to gain 33 pounds in a year.”

Well, here are the techniques I’ve been using. Try them yourself; I think you’ll find them remarkably effective.

1. Prepare Food For Finicky Twins.

My twins eat approximately 3 different foods. Cereal, yogurt, and peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches. And the problem is, Susan used to prepare their sandwiches. This may not seem like a problem until you realize that Susan does everything with a little extra motherly love. Which, in this case, means that she cut the crusts off the sandwiches.

You still don’t see the problem, do you?

Well, the first part of the problem is that I now have to cut the crusts off two sandwiches at least once per day, or I’ll be scolded by two very disappointed little girls. But that’s not the real problem.

The real problem is that after cutting the crusts off two peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches, I’m left with…the crusts of two peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches. And — unlike my twins — I have no problem with eating the crusts of sandwiches.

Here’s an interesting fact you may want to share with friends at your office holiday party: eating the crusts of two peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches is almost exactly the same as eating a whole peanut butter and Nutella sandwich, calorie-wise. However, somehow — dark magic, I believe — eating those crusts somehow doesn’t feel like you have eaten a sandwich.

It’s very easy, in fact, to persuade yourself that you’ve just eaten a couple of bread crusts, as if those crusts weren’t being held together by the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of sandwich spreads.

2. Prepare Food For A Light Eater.

Susan doesn’t eat much these days. A piece of toast for breakfast, a couple bites of something for lunch, and another couple bites of something else for dinner.

The truth is, she mostly lives on Gatorade right now. She likes the “Rain” flavors. On the plus side, that means I get to keep all the Diet Coke to myself.

The thing is, though, I can’t help myself: I prepare her meals as if she were going to eat exactly the same amount I am. ‘Cuz, you know, if it turns out that this time she’s hungry, I want her to have as much as she wants.

Of course, she never is. And that food’s gotta go somewhere.

And — miraculously — I somehow have a little extra room for her leftovers. Because, you know, I wouldn’t want that good food to go to waste.

And, if I’m going to be honest with myself, it’s a lot easier to eat the leftovers than to try to find a matching tupperware container and lid.

3. Have Generous Neighbors.

I have a story problem for you. Suppose you have finicky kids and a wife who eats hardly anything. And then further consider having really generous neighbors who want to help — and who know that preparing and delivering meals is an easy way to help.

You know what this adds up to? It adds up to a lot of casseroles with an audience of one.

And here’s another thing to factor into this equation: I love starchy, cheesy casseroles with rich sauces. I can’t get enough of them.

And you know what? They reheat easily, even in the middle of the night, which is when the stress-grazing impulse is strongest.

4. Stop Exercising.

Here’s an amazing fact that will surprise you: If you stop exercising, you’ll lose fitness and gain weight.

I know. Weird.

An interesting corollary to this fact is that if you stop exercising and then don’t re-start for a few weeks, you’ll discover new and exciting reasons not to exercise.

Also, you will find that a short-term stall tactic can also work as a long-term stall tactic. For example, for each day during the past three weeks, I have promised myself that I would punch the reset button and start exercising again the following day.

And I mean it, too. Each day, I mean it just as much as the previous day.

This Has Got To Stop

So, since I am now a virtual Clydesdale (there’s a little known rule that for each inch under 6′, your Clydesdale weight is five pounds less than 200 pounds, making my Clydesdale weight 175 lbs), I’d like to rectify the situation.

Here’s my 3-point plan:

  1. Eat reasonably. I’m going to start eating the right amount, and I’m not going to eat the entire family’s leftovers anymore.
  2. Exercise. I just bought seasons 1-5 of The Shield on eBay. I’m going to ride the rollers for two episodes per day.
  3. Irresponsible betting. I need an incentive to lose enough weight that I won’t damage the bike frame when Spring rolls around. I figure there are a few others out there who also need similar incentives.

And tomorrow, I’m going to roll out the plan.

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