Premium Products for Guaranteed Go-Faster Results

A Note from Fatty: I’ve got a new article in BikeRadar today. You can read the snippet below, or click here to read the whole thing.

You want to be fast, don’t you? Of course you do. And you’re willing to spend large amounts of money to be faster, aren’t you? Of course you are. Otherwise, why would you be riding a bike at all?

Oh sure, there are a few of you out there who say you don’t care about being particularly fast; your goal is to have fun, or to see the outdoors, or get from point A to point B.

Pfff. You’re not fooling anybody. The only reason you’re saying those things is because you don’t know how to become faster.

Well, I can help. Through intensive research and market analysis (i.e., I made a list of ideas on a napkin during lunch yesterday), I have developed a premium brand of cycling components and apparel is exactly what you need to become the cyclist you dream of being.

It’s all very expensive, which should help you feel confident that it’s really, really good.

Here is a sneak preview from my Fall 2008 Catalog.

Aero-X Helmet
The trend among most cycling helmet manufacturers is to design helmets that cut through the air with a minimum of wind resistance. That’s all well and good if you’re trying to do your training with a minimum of effort, I suppose, but if you prefer to become a stronger, faster racer, perhaps you should consider my Ultra Large and Heavy Wind Dam Helmet.

Roughly the size of an extra-large beach ball, this helmet has been scientifically designed not to cut through the wind, but to block the wind. In fact, while you can order the perfectly spherical version of this helmet, we recommend the FS (Full Sail) version, which has a concave scoop in the front, guaranteed to make you have to fight the wind 40% harder during your training rides. We’re so confident in the wind-resisting properties, in fact, that if this helmet doesn’t make even the gentlest headwind feel like a frontal assault by hurricane force winds, we’ll refund your money.

But the training value of this helmet doesn’t stop with its wind-resisting benefits. Instead of using lightweight Styrofoam as its impact-absorption material, it uses low-viscosity oil. Just imagine how strong your neck, back, and torso — three areas usually neglected by cyclists — will become as you try to keep your head from lolling as you support the forty pounds this helmet weighs.

And then, imagine how light and agile you’re suddenly going to feel when you wear a normal helmet on race day. $385.99

HydroRetentive Shorts and Jerseys
While other cycling apparel manufacturers concentrate on lightweight, wicking clothes, We have designed a line of clothing that focuses on capturing and holding on to your perspiration, like a big cotton sponge. Your shorts will actually grow larger as you ride and perspire, imperceptibly resisting your efforts to an increasing degree as you ride.

Your new hydroretentive kit helps solve another heretofore-unknown training issue: cheating via on-bike weight loss. Normally, as you ride and perspire, you lose weight, so that by the end of the ride you may be as much as three pounds lighter than when you began the ride. This means that for a good part of the ride, you haven’t been riding with as much weight as you should be, which means your legs aren’t getting the workout they should.

By holding on to all the water you perspire during your ride, your new Hydroretentive kit ensures you’re getting as much of a workout at the end of the ride as you were at the beginning. Shorts: $320, Jerseys: $195.

Important Note: While these may look, feel, and behave like an ordinary pair of baggy cotton shorts and a cheap t-shirt, we can promise you that they are not.

Click here to continue reading “Premium Products for Guaranteed Go-Faster Results” over at

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