Join Me for the Inaugural Fat Cyclist Triathalon

A few weeks ago, I went to ride the Corner Canyon trails in Draper, UT. It was kind of a last minute thing, so I didn’t call anyone; I just went.

I climbed on my mountain bike, rode for about 90 minutes, and then rolled back into the parking lot, planning to go home for the day.

And that’s when I saw Dug, suiting up in the parking lot for a ride of his own.

Dug’s mountain bike frame had recently cracked, so he was planning to ride on the road — up the North side of Suncrest and back down. About a 45-minute ride.

Well, as any cyclist knows, when you accidentally run into a riding buddy, it is a certain sign that you ought to be riding together. “I’ve got my road bike with me,” I said. “Just give me a minute to change my shoes and I’ll join you for the ride.”

I made the switch, after which followed the most peculiar cycling sensation I have ever had. The handlebars felt so narrow. The front wheel seemed so close. The tires seemed ridiculous.

“This,” I thought to myself, “is one weird transition. Other cyclists ought to experience it.”

And that’s when it occurred to me: mountain biking and road biking should be part of a triathlon, but one with three great events, instead of the way most triathlons are: one good event, and two really awful ones.

It wouldn’t be until later that I would figure out what the third event would be. More on that in a moment.

Announcing the Inaugural Fat Cyclist Triathalon
I am pleased to announce that I will be putting on my very first event this Summer: The Fat Cyclist Triathalon (please note this is a triathalon, not a triathlon). I am pretty darned certain you’re going to want to mark this on your calendar.

Here’s how it’s going to play out.

  1. Mountain Bike Leg: We’ll begin from my house in Alpine, UT, where we’ll ride mountain bikes up Hog’s Hollow, then down to Sliding Rock — a natural waterslide in the Hog’s Hollow area. The winner of this first leg of the race will be the person who goes down the Sliding Rock with the most panache, as judged by a distinguished panel of three.
  2. Road Bike Leg: After Sliding Rock, we’ll ride back to my house, where we’ll quickly transition over to road bikes. Everyone will be required to remark on how strange road bikes feel after being on a mountain bike. We will then ride to Tibble Fork Reservoir and back. The winner of this leg of the event will be the person who can, on the spot, come up with the most clever limerick about a topic which will be provided at the beginning of this leg of the race.
  3. Beer-Boiled-and-Grilled-Brats at Fatty’s: Back at my house, the third leg of the race will consist of us all eating exquisitely delicious brats. I will ask Kenny to make bread for the brats, which will make them even more wonderful, if that’s even possible. I will also make Seven-Layer Dip for the occasion. My Seven-Layer Dip is really, really good. On New Year’s Eve last year, Brad declared his intention to eat nothing but this dip. And Brad knows food. Anyway, the winner of this leg of the event will be determined by whoever seems to enjoy the brats most (which is not the same thing as whoever eats the most brats).

Oh, and by the way, if you’re strictly a roadie or MTB-er, it’s OK to miss a leg of the race for the kind of riding you don’t have a bike for. It is not OK to miss the third leg of the race. That leg is mandatory.

Prizes will be awarded to the winner of each leg of the event, as well as for other categories which I will make up on the spot. I’m not sure what the prizes will be, but I bet you anything I can get someone else to pay for them, and I further bet that they’ll be better than most prizes at most local races.

Ooooh, you know what would be cool? If there were an event T-shirt. I wonder if I could badger the Twin Six guys into designing a Fat Cyclist Triathalon T-shirt? Only one way to find out, I suppose.

The Inaugural Fat Cyclist Triathalon will be June 21, the first Saturday of Summer. I haven’t settled on the time yet. When works for you?

Why on June 21?
Because that’s the first weekend after my birthday (June 18, in case you’re curious). So this isn’t just a triathalon, it’s my birthday party, too. And you’re invited.

Is There Anything Special About This Particular Birthday?
There sure is. Two special things, in fact.

(Those of you who never read the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy books should just skip this paragraph.) First, I’ll be turning 42, which means I should, sometime during the course of the day, arrive at the question to life, the universe, and everything. I’ll be happy to share that with you. 

Second, my birthday actually marks me as demonspawn. Specifically, I was born in the 6th month of 1966: 6/66. Get it? Also, I was born on the 18th day, which splits nicely into 6+6+6. So there’s a good chance horns will erupt from my head and I’ll eat a live goat. It’s worth coming by to find out, anyway.

To register for the Fat Cyclist Triathalon, I’m going to ask you to make a donation to the Lance Armstrong Foundation via MikeRoadie’s LiveStrong Challenge Page. I won’t tell you how much, though anywhere from $25.00 – $50.00 seems like a good amount.

And let me know in the comments section that you’re likely to come, so I can start to get a sense of whether this will be me and a few guys, or a big ol’ extravaganza.

I’m kind of hoping for the extravaganza, to tell the truth.

More Details Soon
The fact is, I just made this whole thing up right now, but I’m dead serious about doing it (and I called Susan to make sure she’s cool with it — she is). I know a lot of you are too far away to come participate in the Fat Cyclist Triathalon, but for those of you who can come, it’ll be fun to meet, ride and eat.

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