I Do Not Have a Problem

Hrmph. Grrgth. Whhuh? What’s wrong? Why are you waking me up already?


What are all you people doing here? I didn’t invite you over. Susan, did you invite these people over?

You did? Why didn’t you tell me?

An intervention? An intervention?!

Why in the world would you have an intervention for me? I am the very soul of moderation. No drinking, no drugs. Seriously. Ever. Not even once. Unless you count caffeine.

You’re not doing an intervention based on my caffeine use, are you? Because I’ll cut back. I always drink a lot of Diet Coke in the winter, to make up for the lack of sunlight. I’ll cut back in the summer. I promise.

Oh, this isn’t about the caffeine? The caffeine intervention is next week? Okay, well at least now I know, so I can block some time in my calendar. This is very inconvenient, you know. I have to be at work ninety minutes from now, after all.

So what’s this intervention about, anyway?

No. No no no no no.

I refuse to accept that.

My bike spending is not out of control. I have exactly the number of bikes I need, and not one more.

Okay, okay, I probably should have talked to you about buying the Superfly before I bought it. But I was feeling kind of sad because the day had gone so badly, and the weather’s been so lousy this winter, and I wanted something to cheer me up. And then I saw this bike and I really really loved the way it looked and I just had to have it, and I totally have it figured out how I’ll pay for it — not a dime will come from the checking account, I swear; I’m selling one of my other bikes and paying the balance with the money I’ve made from the BikeRadar articles.

I was going to tell you about it, really. I just was waiting for the right moment.

What do you mean I’m proving your point?

No, your learning about the new bike by reading about it in my blog probably wasn’t the best way for you to learn about it. I admit that.

No, I don’t see this as “just the latest incident in what’s become a disturbing pattern.” It’s not like I’ve been going out and buying bikes willy-nilly.

What do you mean “That’s exactly what it’s like?” Buying one bike doesn’t make me irrational and impulsive!

OK, sure. Fine. I did buy the Waltworks a couple months ago to replace the Rig. And if you must, you can say that they’re both 29″-wheeled singlespeeds. But the Waltworks is special. It’s a beautiful, handmade steel singlespeed. It’s a dream bike!

Yeah, if you want to nitpick, you’re welcome to point out that I just barely bought the Filmore. But I really wanted a single speed road bike, and it’s not like it cost me a huge amount of money.

No, it’s not just like the Pista I replaced it with. The Pista had track geometry. And it was a fixed gear. They were nothing alike.

OK, fine, they’re almost exactly alike. Have it your way. I’m not going to get into this with you.

Oh, you just leave the Ibis out of it. I had to buy that bike; I had to replace a broken old road bike. No, that’s not the reason I bought the Lemond Victoire I replaced the Ibis with.

Wait a second. I guess you’re right. I had forgotten about the Victoire. Fine. I bought the Ibis because I love Ibis bikes and think they’re sexy, alright? Is that what you wanted to hear?

Fine, fine, let’s go back to the bike I just bought. I know, to you it seems crazy that I would buy a bike that I was virtually guaranteed I could have as a free loaner.

I didn’t want a loaner, though. I don’t want to ride somebody else’s bike, and I don’t want to give up my bike after three months. And besides, I don’t want to deprive Racer of a sale. He’s my friend; I should be supporting his business, not trying to circumvent it.

Sure, I’m still going to do all those crazy things Travis Ott, Fisher’s Brand Manager demands. I want to be the first guy around to have two Superflys. That way I can let friends ride one.

Oh, stop crying.

Look, if it will make you feel better, I’ll promise not to buy any more bikes for at least a year.

Well, except for the one last one I’ve got on order, but it’s already paid for, pretty much.

Well of course I was going to tell you about it. It just wasn’t the right time. It’s kind of a super-secret bike — a single speed with 29″ wheels.

No, it’s not like the WaltWorks. It’s not like anything I’ve ever had before.

No,  I don’t think it’s time I admit I have a problem. I can stop buying bikes anytime I want.

Hey. Put that straitjacket away.

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