How I Lost 2.2 Pounds in One Day

Yesterday morning, I realized I had a big problem. Specifically, I had spent pretty much the entire week losing the weight I had gained while I had family in town all last weekend.

In short, I needed to lose 2.2 pounds by today if I didn’t want to pay up $150.00.

And here I am, at 168.4 pounds, exactly where I need to be. Check out the photo:

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So, how did I manage to lose 2.2 pounds in the course of one day? Here’s how, listed by estimated contribution to weight loss.

  • I hardly ate anything yesterday. A bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, a little plate of spaghetti for lunch. Another little plate of spaghetti for dinner. That’s all. 0.4 lbs.
  • I left my water bottle at home. When I rode yesterday — it’s about 50 degrees (F) outside — I didn’t even bother bringing a water bottle, and I didn’t rehydrate afterwards. This was stupid, and it’s not even close to real weight loss, but it — more than anything else — got me where I needed to be for this morning. And for those of you who might be tempted to call this cheating, please bear in mind that I explicitly allowed this kind of behavior in last year’s B7, and gave up a jersey because of it. The thing is, I now have to be extra good in the long term to make up for my short-term trick. Water weight loss works tactically, but not strategically. 1.2 lbs.
  • I shaved my legs, head, and face. Since my head, legs, and face are kept shaved anyway, I suspect this didn’t do much for me. Still, every little bit counts. 0.0002 lbs.
  • I exfoliated. But just in case some of you are tempted to think that I’m a sissy for exfoliating, you should know that my method of exfoliating involves taking a belt sander to every square inch of my body (I use 60 grit sandpaper, for those of you who are curious).  0.1 lbs.
  • I turned up the thermostat: Further employing the weight-loss-through-dehydration-to-dangerous-levels technique, I turned the thermostat up to 92 (F) last night when I went to bed. I awoke with singed toe hair, as you can see in the above photo. I think this technique would have been more effective if I hadn’t already wrung pretty much every drop of water from my body during the day. 0.05 lbs.
  • I trimmed my fingernails: Not much work to do here, since I compulsively trim my fingernails whenever I’m idle, which generally means I take care of this task at stoplights. My truck floor is littered with fingernail bits. Really. Anyway: 0.0000837 lbs. (approx.)
  • Had a good cry: More dehydration, with the added benefit that since tears are salty, I lowered my sodium level and therefore my body’s ability to retain water. What did I cry about? Easy: I cried about the fact that there were freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies in my house and I couldn’t eat even one. That is tragic, as anyone who likes hot chocolate chip cookies will attest. 0.2 lbs. (I cried a lot) 
  • I filed down my calluses: Again, with the belt sander, but with a heavier grit sandpaper (25 grit). In retrospect, this wasn’t a good idea. It turns out those calluses were really useful. 0.03 lbs.
  • I trimmed my eyebrows. Not surprisingly to anyone knows me, this accounted for more hair weight than on any other part of my body. My eyebrows are so thick they’re a measurable source of aerodynamic drag, and are downright dangerous when there’s a strong crosswind. I think I must be part Russian. 0.6 lbs.
  • I spat, 420 times. It’s going to take me a while to recoup all this water weight I lost. 0.3 lbs.
  • I exhaled, fully. What, you think air doesn’t have mass? 0.1e-3 lbs.
  • I flapped my arms while on the scale. But I did it gracefully, like a gull, so as to avoid having my arms add to my downforce when they were on the upswing. This is a very difficult and beautiful motion. 0.03 lbs.

Next Week and the Week After That
I’m going to be in Houston most of next week for work, and then I’ll be at Disneyland with my family the following week. My goal for next week is to gain only one pound, which will bring me to 169.4.

PS: The jackpot goes to $200, though the weigh-in will have to be on Saturday, since I’ll still be in Houston on Friday.

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