Cycling Clothes: The Next Generation

A Note from Fatty: I’ve got a new column in today. You can read a preview below, or click here to read the whole thing.

I’m very disappointed in cycling clothes. Now, I don’t have a problem with the way they look – I suppose I’ve become comfortable with the inevitability of garish colours and circulation-restricting shorts.

No, my problem with cycling clothes lies in their function. Or, more specifically, in their lack thereof.

Consider, for a moment, what you demand from your bike. Every single part needs to be extremely light and strong, while interacting with other parts, withstanding multiple forces, absorb incredible impact, and perform other near-miracles of physics with every turn of the cranks.

As anyone who’s ever ridden a truly nice bike can testify, your bike can make you a better rider. Instantly. Meanwhile, all our clothes do is prevent us from being naked.

And don’t give me any of that nonsense about wicking anti-microbial seamless chamoises, either. That’s all marketing nonsense and you know it.

I think it’s time we expect as much from our cycling clothes as we do from the bikes we ride. Which is why I am happy to propose several new products I will soon be developing.

Do your current bike shorts bind into your waist, creating an appalling “muffin top” effect? In the place where your six pack should go, do you sell beer by the barrel?

My friend, SuperShorts are for you. Oh, sure, many bib shorts have a girdling effect, but that’s just an afterthought. With SuperShorts, we use the strongest elastic money can buy, guaranteeing you an instant 3″ girth reduction, or your money back.

But that’s just the beginning of what these shorts will do for you. The upper body of the SuperShorts has been contoured and shaped so as to make it appear as if you had rippling pectorals and abs, instead of 15 pounds of flab.

That’s right: not only will these shorts help you not look fat, they’ll actually make it look like you have seen the inside of a gym.

Cyclists love their jerseys. Is this love due to the awful colours, the way the jerseys stink no matter how vigorously you wash them, or the way they cling to you in the most unnatural way possible? It’s hard to say. One thing is certain, however. Those jerseys aren’t doing everything for you they should be.

The Nutra-Jersey will change all that. Observing that your bike jersey has more contact with your skin than any other piece of clothing, we have infused a variety of nutrients into the fabric of the jersey itself. As you wear it, the power of osmosis will deliver your chosen fuel directly through your skin. Like a nicotine patch, but much, much bigger.

Click here to continue reading “Cycling Clothes: The Next Generation” over at

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