A few days ago I went on a nice lunch ride on the Fillmore. I rode along Wasatch Boulevard, a wide rolling road with a good shoulder, bike lanes for part of the road, and terrific views. A perfect I’ve-got-one-hour ride I can do right from my work parking lot.
Then, as I was returning to my office parking lot, it happened. A car passed me on the left in order to take the right fork in the road: A classic right hook. I jammed on the brakes and managed to not collide with the car.
Furious, I yelled at the top of my lungs at the driver…who I’m pretty sure did not hear me. Or if she did, did not care.
This, I thought, would have been an excellent opportunity for me to use my Laser Beams of Death.
Or would it?
Rules for Using the Laser Beams of Death
Years ago — after my first near-miss with an oblivious car — I developed a hypothetical weapon, along with a hypothetical limitation.
The weapon, of course, is the Laser Beams of Death. Originally, this weapon was a handlebar-mounted laser cannon that — for reasons that remain unclear — causes any target it strikes to explode in fiery and painful death.
My hypothetical Laser Beams of Death technology has evolved, however, to the point where I now can shoot the beams right from my eyes, triggered by a simple mental command.
The two limitations, however, are significant and unfortunately insurmountable:
- The Laser Beams of Death only work when I’m riding my bike. Not in a car, not in a boring meeting. Only on the bike.
- One can use the Laser Beams of Death only once in a lifetime.
I suppose these limitations are a good thing, because they prevent me from indiscriminately blowing stuff up. Since I can only use my Laser Beams of Death once, my target must be truly deserving.
So, with that in mind, would driver of the car who nearly right-hooked me have been the one? Would she have died in the fiery flame of my laser-induced vengeance?
Nah, I think I’d hold on. I have a suspicion I’m going to be angrier at someone else at some point. And when that happens, I don’t want to find myself in the embarrassing position of being totally Laser Beams of Death-less.
Your Laser Beams of Death
So: if you were equipped with my Laser Beams of Death (and their unfortunate limitations), would you have used them by now? And if so, on whom? And if not, what are you saving them for?
My favorite response gets a Twin Six Fat Cyclist T-Shirt.
I await your response with glee.