Ode to Breakfast Cereal

From time to time, I will consider the “Desert Island” question as it applies to a particular food. There are, for me, a surprising number of foods which I would be pretty happy eating exclusively for the rest of my life. Peanut butter sandwiches? Check. Burritos (provided they come from one of my favorite taco shops)? Check. Fish tacos? Checkity check! (I really love fish tacos)

There is only one food, however, that actually kinda wish I’d get desert islanded with: Breakfast cereal. I love breakfast cereal. I would gladly eat it day in and day out, every meal for the rest of my life. If there were a desert island with nothing but breakfast cereal to eat, I would move to that desert island and then build a fort complete with a parapet, from which I would defend myself from any ne’er-do-wells who think I might want rescuing.

Preemptive Dismissal of Naysayers
Oh, I know what some of you are thinking. “Breakfast cereal isn’t just one food, like a peanut butter sandwich. It’s a whole aisle in the grocery store.”

To you, I say, “Pfff.” This is my desert island fantasy, and in this fantasy island (which is much different than Fantasy Island, because I want nothing to do with Mr. Rork or Tattoo on my Island of Breakfast Cereal Delight), there is a mysterious, enormously large cache of my favorite breakfast cereals. Oh, and also there’s a milkman who drops off five gallons of 1% milk every week. And there’s a nice, working fridge.

Oh, don’t roll your eyes. It’s no sillier or unrealistic an island than Lost. Quite a bit less silly, actually.

The Best of All Possible Cereals
Originally, I planned to call this post “7 Perfect Breakfast Cereals,” but then I realized my love for cereal doesn’t really break out that way. There are about 5000 kinds of cereal, most of which are delicious.

That said, there are two breakfast cereals which somehow stand out from the field, rise above the noise, and are otherwise objectively perfect.

  • Honey Bunches of Oats: It’s got flakes! It’s got oats! It’s got crunchy clusters of sugary goodness! It’s purportedly low in fat and has 9 essential vitamins and minerals! This cereal is so delicious I would happily eat it six times per day, which may explain why a box of it never lasts through the day at my house. Note: The original is the best. The others — with Almonds, with Strawberries, with Peaches, with Bananas — are like drawing a fancy hat on the Mona Lisa: not necessary, and probably not an improvement.
  • Reese’s Puffs: These are actually best as a snack. But mercy, what a snack. There are other peanut butter cereals out there (Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch, for example), but none of them come close to this one. How does Reese do it? That dude’s a genius, I tell you.

I am prepared to hear arguments for other cereals I should try, provided you are willing to vow, under threat of severe ridicule, that your favorite breakfast cereal is every bit as good as my favorite breakfast cereals.

Also, I’d be interested in hearing from anyone who doesn’t like breakfast cereal, just so I can observe and pity you, much as I would a two-headed calf at the county fair.

PS: I hereby declare that Autumn has begun one week early. Monday I shall provide proof. In any case, let the annual weight gain commence! Huzzah!

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