The Seven Perfect Foods

A couple months ago, I posted about how pleased I was to have successfully resisted one of the seven perfect foods. In response, hundreds — nay, thousands! — of you have commented, emailed, and confronted me outright, all with one question: “What are the other perfect foods?”

Philistines.

To anyone who has ever dreamt of food, to anyone who has ever made a peanut putter, M&M, and chocolate syrup burrito, to anyone who has ever tasted my seven-layer dip, that question is as outrageous as it is spurious. As trite as it is insulting. As antithetical to the whole Fat Cyclist credo as Assos chamois creme on Performance-branded cycling shorts.

In short, I thumb my nose at you.

And yet, I am not without compassion (for those of you who have trouble tracking double negatives, that means I am compassionate. Glad I could help.). Here, then, are the seven perfect foods.

M&Ms
Is the genius of the M&M that it has a candy shell that crushes perfectly when I am in a crushing mood, but melts elegantly when I want my chocolate soft? Or is the genius in the tiny hint of peanut in the chocolate. I say it is both!

There are those of you who are at this moment wondering whether it is the plain or peanut M&Ms that are perfect. To which I answer: they are equally perfect, and yet — somehow — even more perfect when mixed together.

“How can two separate items be individually perfect, and yet more perfect together,” you ask? “Is perfection not an absolute,” you ask? Good questions, valid questions.

And yet I hold my ground. Perfection is not rational, after all.

It is, however, delicious.

Note: Almond M&Ms, Peanut Butter M&Ms, etc. are all well and good, but are not really M&Ms. They’re poseurs — mere brand extensions — riding on the coattails of the real M&Ms.

Peanut Butter
Consider peanut butter for a moment. Is it sweet or salty? It is both! Is it smooth or crunchy? It is both! Is it delicious when spread on bread with honey? Yes! Is it wonderful with grape or strawberry jam? Of course! Is it wonderful with bananas and mayonnaise? Yes, a thousand times yes! And I don’t care if you don’t dare try it. Your loss. Fool.

And what if you use peanut butter as a dip with Oreos or Fritos? Brilliant. As an ingredient in a milkshake? Awesome. As a way to get gum out of your daughters hair? Once again, success!

Peanut butter, I love you.

The Avocado
I have spent hours contemplating the avocado. How can a tree, using nothing but dirt, water, and sunlight, produce a fruit that is almost pure fat? How can the skin of that fruit be just tough enough to protect the soft buttery goodness within, yet yielding enough to allow you to test its ripeness with a simple finger press?

How is it possible that the avocodo has such a mellow, understated flavor that is nevertheless so compelling? How could it be so wonderful when mashed and mixed with a little salsa, yet be equally delightful when cut up and eaten on an open-faced turkey/tomato/avocado sandwich?

How? I demand to know!

I hereby submit the avocado as proof of the existence of God.

The Burrito
It’s a simple idea, really. Wrap the most delicious meat, cheese, sour cream, guacamole (oh, rapturous guacamole!), black beans (or — if you must — refried beans, though I don’t personally see the point in refried beans) in a tortilla.

You’d think that something so simple would be easy to execute. And yet, I could neve find a really good burrito within fifty miles of the Microsoft campus.

And people ask why I moved.

Ravioli
It’s pasta! It’s meat and / or cheese! It’s two taste treats in one, is what it is.

I should be clear here. For both the Burrito and Ravioli, inclusion in the “Perfect Foods” list implies that these foods are perfect when well executed. Chef Boyardee doesn’t count.

Unless you’ve just come back from a five-hour ride. Then Chef Boyardee does just fine, thanks.

Potato
I don’t even know where to start with the potato. Bake it, fry it, mash it, au gratin (whatever that means) it, hash-brown it. Is there anything the potato can’t do?

No. I answer my question myself, in case someone out there doesn’t realize it’s rhetorical. There is nothing the potato cannot do.

And, amazingly, no matter what you do to it, it’s even better if you put ketchup on it.

Grapefruit
The other foods in this list are all perfect. That’s why they’re on this list. Duh.

That said, the grapefruit surpasses them all, for it is the antidote to all fat-making foods. Oh, and it cures illness and aging, too. Eat one every day and you will never die.

I have a question though: how come I can’t ever find good grapefruit after March 15?

I Welcome Your Response
There you have it. The seven perfect foods. I welcome your acknowledgment of the wisdom of this list. If you have quibbles, feel free to voice them, although I fully intend to ridicule anyone who disagrees with me.

PS: Today’s weight: 162.8

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