SANTA ROSA, CA (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) â€“ In a stunning announcement made today, Tyler Hamilton has given notice that he is suing the Tour of Amgen. Having successfully obtained an emergency injunction against the race, forcing it to halt until further notice, Hamilton is now seeking to be inserted into the race, with the final objective being a do-over of the first stage.
Continued the distraught Piscina, “How would you, if you were Clint Eastwood, feel if you went to a viewing of Fistful of Dollars, only to find that somehow you were no longer in the movie? It is just the same for Tyler Hamilton and massive, high-drama, late-in-stage crashes.”
Concluded Piscina, “If there has ever been a crash that Tyler should be involved in, this crash was it.”
“Really, all I want is a shot at the thing,” added the usually deferential Hamilton, a hard edge in his voice and a hungry look in his eye. “I just want to be allowed to race right in the middle of that pack when it rounds the corner.”
“If nobody else is willing to crab a pedal or touch wheels this time, I’ll do it myself,” said the newly-returned racer. “All I really need is to get a nice painful roadrash. Maybe a broken collarbone wouldn’t be too much to ask. Or a concussion and a broken ankle, if I get to pick.”
“This is my trademark, and I intend to defend it, come hell or high water,” finished the Man from Marblehead.
Race Leader Reacts
Told of Hamilton’s intention to use any avenues necessary to revisit the first stage of the Amgen Tour — and in particular, the huge peloton demoliton derby toward the end — race leader Levi Leipheimer looked thoughtful.
“I admit,” said Leipheimer, after a moment, “even as I hit the pavement I thought to myself, ‘Tyler Hamilton must be somewhere nearby.’ To have this kind of wreck without him even in the same state just doesn’t feel right.”
“So yeah,” shrugged Leipheimer, “it’s like, if you go to an Elvis concert, you expect to see the King. Same thing with Hamilton and crashes. I guess I’m OK for a do-over.”
While this legal action is generally considered unusual, it is by no means unique, as Tinkoff Legal Counsel M. Fetyukovitch explained. “Many people do not realize, but each stage of the 2003-2005 Tours de France was shot with multiple takes, with racers forced to do the race over and over until OLN had an outcome it was happy with.”
“All we ask is that Mr. Hamilton be allowed to practice his unique and highly-refined skill. To do what he does best, if you will.”
Concluded Mr. Fetyukovitch, “It’s been two years, people. He doesn’t have many racing years left in him. For the love of all that’s good in the world, please let Tyler Hamilton be a part of the Amgen Stage 1 crash.”
PS: Today’s weight: 164.2