Wherein I Confront the M&M Demon, But First Talk About A Bunch of Other Stuff

I want to talk about M&Ms today, because I think M&Ms are an important topic, and deserve the focused, serious attention and respect that only I can give.

But first, I have a bunch of self-aggrandizing announcements, pleas, and reminders to make.

Vote For Me, Or And I’ll Hold My Breath ‘Til I Turn Purple
Thank you, thank you, thank you to all the people who nominated me for the 2007 Bloggies Awards. Because of you, Fat Cyclist is now a finalist in the Best-Kept Secret Award.

I confess, I am irrationally exuberant.

So, now that I’m a finalist, I need you to go vote for me again. Click here to vote.

Also, go tell your friends to vote. And tell your friends to tell their friends to vote. And tell your family. And your coworkers. Shout it from the rooftops.

But please don’t tell my advertisers that I’m a well-kept secret. That doesn’t jibe very well with my story of how extraordinarily popular I am and how many trazillions of people visit my site every day.

Anyway, as an incentive to get you to vote, I hereby proclaim that I will post both video and pictures of my heretofore unmentioned (in this blog anyway) talent:

I can make my face turn bright purple at will.

Yes, at a moment’s notice I can make my face turn bright purple. Veins stand out on my forehead, and my eyes go all bloodshot. It looks like I’m about to have an aneurysm.

It’s a sight to behold, and it gives me a royal headache to do, and usually people beg me to stop before I’ve taken it as far as I can, because it really does look freaky.

I think you’ll dig it.

So go vote for me. Right now. Thank you.

Results of My Son’s Science Project
A couple weeks ago, I asked you to participate in my son’s science fair project by checking your resting heart rate, drinking some diet cola, and then seeing what happened to your heart rate over the next hour.

Well, thanks to your help (as well as the fact that my son is a full-on brainiac), he got an ‘A’ for his project. I don’t know whether he won any awards for his project; those haven’t been announced yet. 

I think you’ll find his results pretty darn interesting. His results are posted on his project website; click here to go educate yourself.

It’s Not Too Late to Win the Awesome Twin Six Speedy Jersey
I’m pretty sure we’ve got a record number of entries for this week’s contest to win the Twin Six Speedy jersey, which I think means you all must like Twin Six designs as much as I do. I’m not choosing a winner ’til tomorrow, so if you haven’t left a comment for that day’s entry, go do it now.

And please bear in mind that Twin Six — like all my Ads-For-Schwag partners — aren’t doing this just because they like to give stuff away. So why don’t you go take a look at their site, see what they have to offer, and bookmark them. Next time you’re in the mood for a jersey that doesn’t look like a billboard, remember them.

Next Week’s Contest
Next week, the contest is going to be a little different than usual: it’s going to be a photo contest. Start digging up your best bike-related photos and get ready — I’ve got a great prize all lined up (and I’ll be setting up a place for you to upload your photos to my website over the weekend).

The M&M: Confronting a Perfect Food
As you are no doubt aware, M&Ms are one of the hallowed Seven Perfect Foods. The attributes of the Seven Perfect Foods are as follows:

  • Taste: Obviously, a Perfect Food must be universally regarded as delicious, to the point that any holding an opposing point of view is regarded as both a contrarian and a fool.
  • Texture: A Perfect Food must have a texture that is perfect by itself, enhances other foods when combined with them, and is regarded as wonderful even as it changes due to temperature variance. It must feel good in the mouth whether you bite down on it or let it dissolve. It must feel right whether you eat a tiny bite (or one at a time) or in giant mouthfuls. The texture of a Perfect Food, however, is not simply how that food feels once in the mouth, but when you hold it in your hands. It must be a delight to touch.
  • Aesthetic Qualities: A Perfect Food must be a joy to behold.
  • Mythical Status: A Perfect Food must have a body of lore built up around it. One must feel that one is participating in a longstanding tradition when enjoying a Perfect Food. This attribute ensures that no flash-in-the-pan upstart is regarded as a Perfect Food. A Perfect Food not only can stand the test of time, but has stood the test of time.
  • Irresistibility: When offered a Perfect Food, one cannot decline. You may try, but only with a feeling of despair, and a certain knowledge that if offered again, you will  — with great relief — accept.

There are only seven Perfect Foods in the world. People have spent their lives trying to concoct an eighth. I salute these people for their dedication to improving the human condition, yet cannot help but wonder at their folly. A Perfect Food cannot be invented or designed. Perfect Foods simply are.

I digress. Big time.

What I wanted to say was: yesterday someone left a one-pound bag of M&Ms on the “Community Property” table in the office — free to all takers. Ordinarily, this would have resulted in my finding reason after reason to wander by that table, pour a handful (O what rapturous sound, to hear a handful of M&Ms fall into one’s hand! It sounds much like applause, does it not?) and then wander back to my office, sometimes popping them into my mouth one at a time, sometimes a half-dozen at once.

The M&Ms would of course be gone before I got back to my office.

Yesterday, however, was different. I did not go to the bag. Not even once. I resisted the M&Ms. Not for ten minutes. Not for an hour.

The whole day.

I have never done this before. Ever.

I hereby declare: I now have more willpower than any human alive.

Today’s Weight: 172.6

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