Very Rational Things I Believe

A Photo Contest Update from Fatty: I’m really enjoying the photos you’re uploading as part of the Fat Cyclist Photo Contest. You’ve still got time to submit your entry, so check out yesterday’s post for instructions on how to Join Flickr, Join the Fat Cyclist group, and then upload your photos.

Once you’ve done that, you ought to just look at the photos as a slideshow (click here). I’ve done that a couple times, and I’ve gotta say, it’s one of the most rewarding contests I’ve ever set up. Thanks for your photos, and keep ’em coming!

I Am Not Superstitious
I am a very clear thinker. I behave rationally, and entertain no superstions. For example, while it is true that I will never cross the path of a black cat, I do this because I simply do not like the path the black cat has taken — not because I see the path as ominous.

Similarly, I do not believe that walking under a ladder causes harm at a psychic level. Rather, I choose to never walk under ladders out of safety concerns.

If I knock on wood, it is because I like the texture of woodgrain against my knuckles, not out of some silly notion that I can ward off bad luck.

If I wish on a star, it is merely because I have empirical evidence that stars have magical wish-granting powers.

As I said, I am purely rational.

As a clear-headed, logical person, I can also assert with perfect confidence that the following items — each of which I unreservedly believe — are not dieting superstitions, but are in fact self-evident, reproducible scientific phenomena, each impacting how and whether my diet works.

Grapefruit is Magical
Of all the diet-related things I believe, this is the absolutely most important one: grapefruit is magical. I have found, time and time again, that grapefruit has the ability to make me lose weight. I eat a grapefruit before going to bed, and my weight is down in the morning.

I’d say it’s “just like magic,” except for one thing: it’s not like magic. It is magic.

Of course, there are rational explanations for this, in addition to the fact that grapefruit is magic. Here are the reasons:

  • Grapefruit is acidic. You eat this fruit with lots of citric acid in it and the acid starts dissolving your fat. Like battery acid on butter.
  • Eating grapefruit is hard work. To eat a grapefruit, one must expend considerable energy. One must cut the grapefruit in half. One must cut around the circumference of the grapefruit for each of those halves. One must then attend to the labor of spooning out each of the sections (I’ve broken into a mild sweat at the mere prospect of this labor). By the time one has completed this effort, I estimate that one has burned more than 2750 calories.

Some people (by which I mean “stupid people who look for arbitrary reasons to disagree with me) make the foolish counterclaim that eating grapefruit before bed actually only helps me lose weight because instead of eating a bowl of cereal and bag of chips, I’m eating a grapefruit.

 Those people are fools.

Grapefruit, I praise you, and thank you for your magical ability to help me lose weight.

Dieting Gods are Vengeful
Another absolute truth in dieting is this: As you diet and train, you begin to attract the attention of the Dieting Gods. As you fastidiously follow the religion of self deprivation, they reward you with your heart’s desire: weight loss.

If you cross the Dieting Gods, they will make you pay.

As an example, suppose you have been strictly adhering to your diet for three weeks, as I have. The Dieting Gods would reward you with some significant progress — I am down 11 pounds.

I know, however, that — having shown faith and devotion — if I were to slip up (eat half a candybar, say) I would reap the dieting whirlwind, in the form of these three punishments:

  1. My appetite would increase threefold. Once I have shown dietary fecklesness, the Dieting Gods would curse me with a wild abandon. The Hunger would come upon me and I would eat anything that came within my easy reach (everything in both the fridge and the pantry are to be considered “in easy reach”).
  2. My despair would take the form of “despondant consumption.” Any of you who have ever said to yourself, “Well, my diet’s screwed today; no point in dieting the rest of the day.” And then, the following day, you find yourself thinking that you’ll restart your diet the next day. And so on, until you are 10 pounds heavier than when you started the diet in the first place.
  3. I would gain weight. This is a direct curse from the Dieting Gods and is not a result of having eaten myself into a coma.

The Mantra is Meaningful
As I diet, I find myself saying, over and over, “One Hundred and Forty Eight:” my goal weight. This is because if you conciously utter your objective — whatever it is — often enough, that objective seeps into your subconcious, which is where the action really is.

Some would say that the fact that I have never reached my goal weight — nor lost any weight at all for that matter — while using this method is a clear indication that this mantra is useless. To them I say, “Shut up, stupid.”

The Scale is Just Plain Mean
It is widely known that bathroom scales are inhabited by Pixies that have been banished from their magical Faerieland after being convicted of accounting fraud. These Pixies — unrepentant criminals from a folk that are mischievous and unreliable to begin with — then tell us how much we weigh. Rest assured that any time you show a weight loss the morning after a night of heavy drinking and eating, this is just a Pixie giving you a jolt of irrational pleasure so that the following day when you show a nine pound gain, your disappointment and horror will be that much more exquisite.

When You Eat Matters — A Lot
Did you know that a recent scientific study conducted at Yale University proves that after 7:00pm, food actually trebles in its caloric content? Don’t believe me? Look up the study yourelf. Totally factual. 

So what very rational things do you believe?

PS: Today’s weight: 168.6. The Dieting Gods are smiling on me!

PPS: Just in case I haven’t been in-your-face enough about it (not super-likely), I’m a finalist in the Best-Kept-Secret Category for the 2007 Bloggies Award. You know how much I want to win? A lot. Please vote for me.

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