News Flash: Floyd Landis to Face “Attractive Nuisance” Class Action Lawsuit

A Very Special Note From Fatty to Readers Who Are Kinda New to this Whole Fat Cyclist Thing and Maybe Didn’t Follow the Tour de France: Sometimes I write fake news. In this case, I’m writing a fake news story about Floyd Landis’ heroic Stage 17 ride in the Tour de France, which pretty much everyone agrees was the most dramatic and exciting stage in several years (some say ever). Basically, after a humiliating defeat the previous day, Landis shot off the front at the beginning of this very difficult day in the mountains and reclaimed almost all of his lost time, an unheard-of accomplishment. And now everyone in the world who loves cycling dreams of having a Floyd Landis moment.

 

Seattle, July 26 (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Representing more than 2500 enthusiast cyclists, attorney Al Maviva, Esq., today announced that he would be suing Floyd Landis for irresponsible behavior that enticed his clients to imitate his “miracle stage” in the 2006 Tour de France.

“On Thursday, July 20, 2006, Mr. Landis, fully aware that cameras were trained on him, engaged in any number of dangerous, ill-considered activities that can be categorically called “attractive nuisances,” said Maviva.

“As a causal result of imitating Landis during the week following his so-called ‘miracle stage,’” continued Maviva, “My clients have suffered physical and emotional trauma, and in one case: death.  Landis must pay for the harm he has done.”

 

Grievances Enumerated

According to the suit filed by Maviva, the following damages have been (allegedly) caused by Landis’ (allegedly) heroic ride:

  • Strategic Blunders: Since Landis’ audacious Stage 17 attack, early, ill-considered attacks have reached epidemic proportions, appearing in nearly every race and usually by multiple people. The suit mentions one race in particular where at the beginning of the 200 mile race all 450 entrants left the start line at a sprint, all believing—apparently—that they were Floyd Landis. Maviva notes that 448 of the race participants had collapsed within two miles, and that the remaining two racers coasted to a stop during the next mile. “Clearly, these people suffered physical, emotional, and financial harm,” notes Maviva. “If Landis had shown the courtesy to at least put a disclaimer on the screen that he was doing something that nobody else in the world could do, perhaps we wouldn’t be seeing this rash of crazy attacks in club races.”
  • Crashes: Hospitals across Europe, Australia, and America have shown a steep rise in cycling-related accidents since Landis’s dramatic Stage 17 ride. “Evidently, riders are trying to emulate Landis’s time-trial-on-a-road-bike pose,” notes Dr. Mike Young. “They rest their elbows on their handlebars and clasp their hands together, laying their backs as low to the ground as possible.” Dr. Young then concluded, “And then of course, they inevitably fall off their bikes, usually landing on their chins because their still-clasped hands are trapped in their brake cables.”
  • Death: Noting that Floyd Landis was almost constantly dousing himself with water during his massive solo attack, racers across America have taken to doing the same. Unfortunately, taking the American “more is better” philosophy a little too far, one enterprising Cat 5 racer got his wife to drive a pace car he had specially equipped with a compressor, a complex network of hoses and nozzles and 250 gallons of water. His plan to be constantly misted as he biked went horribly wrong as the compressor ran amok, giving the rider the dubious distinction of being the first person to ever drown while riding on a bike on dry pavement.
  • Lots and Lots of Embarrassment: “The most prevalent and common harm caused by Mr. Landis,” notes Mr. Maviva in the suit, “is that everyone now both wants to be Landis, and recognizes the folly in others as they try to emulate him. Upon seeing a friend crack, it is almost universal to hear another rider say, ‘Yeah, you’re Floyd Landis all right. Too bad you’re the Stage 16 version.”

Expert Analysis

Dr. Dan Richardson notes that there is precedent for this virus-like mass mimicry among cyclists. “For years,” says Richardson, “Cyclists have been suffering from Lance Armstrong Syndrome.” Dr. Richardson continues: “However, the symptoms of Lance Armstrong were much more benign—a tendency to try to hold a fast cadence, a propensity to give rivals the stink-eye as you attack, that kind of thing.”

“The Landis version of this disease,” concludes Richardson, “is a little bit terrifying.”

 

Landis Contrite, Expresses Concerns for Future Mimics

For his part, Floyd Landis has expressed regret that he has not to this point adequately explained that he is superhuman, and did not give a “Don’t Try This At Home” warning. “I’ll try to be a little more clear about that in the future,” said the Tour de France champion. “I’ve already lost some sleep worrying about what other hip replacement patients are going to go try to do when they see me destroy the field again next year.”

 

PS: Don’t forget to enter the drawing for a free Cervelo Soloist Team road bike ($2200 value), courtesy of the Larry H. Miller Tour of Utah.

 

PPS: Today, in Random Reviewer, Dug reviews Lance Armstrong’s opening monologue at the ESPYs. Dug’s review is worth a read, and Lance’s monologue is worth a watch.

0 comments

  1. Bryn

        Awesome post fatty! Gotta love the stage 16 landis and the misted cyclist.
    what about all the future cyclists that will now be scouted out of
    mennonite communities? That’s something that surely he will now have to
    apologize for

  2. Unknown

    After last nights LBS ride, just call me "Stage 16". I felt like that old Nestles Qwick commercial, "I’ve got the slows".
    Great post, btw.

  3. Unknown

    You media jackanapes are always missing important facts in your stories and if you fail to cease and desist forthwith, and continue to misrepresent my clients’ legal positions, I will be forced to take action.  This may include making sarcastic blog comments, filling your Gel flagon with real snot instead of the nutritious kind, or pulling your shorts over your seat on group rides.   
     
    To wit, you intentionally and deliberately omitted news of our related class action against Landis on behalf of Schick, Gillette, Norelco, Edge Gel, Remington, Nair, and Tweez-co (don’t ask) for having brought the Stubble Goatee (the "Stubblety"), back into fashion following its long absence after the untimely deaths of Yassir Arafat and River Phoenix.  The negligent and inherently destructive resurgence of the Stubblety has caused untold harm (that we will tell about in full detail at trial) to the razor, shaving cream, depilatory cream, laser hair removal, bikini waxing and tweezer industries.  That certain women of Mediterranean heritage can now breath easy knowing their facial hair is stylish and no longer the source of ridicule and psychic harm cannot possibly compensate the injured parties for the ensuing loss of jobs, future anticipatory profits and stock value to shareholders. 
     
    I am also representing Andreas Kloden, Michael Rogers, M. Kitchen Sinkewitz and Mattias Steinkopf Kessler in a lawsuit against Mr. Landis for Intentional Infliction of Anaerobic Distress and Uncommmon Assault.  We anticipate this case will be settled my clients’ favor, as it is well documented in several tabloids that Mr. Landis did repeatedly, willfully and with great panache attack my clients in the the mountains during an otherwise gentle tour of France, not stopping until one witness, a Mr. Bread Roll, insisted "God D***, they are utterly beaten, it’s just bleeding smoking red meat carnage out there."  Another witness, one Mr. P. Ligget of Derbyshire, is willing to state that Mr. Landis did attempt on repeated instances to "break their legs, to just kill them."  Accounts that Mr. Ligget is unable to distinguish between a Mr. Leipheimer and Mr. Landis are simply untrue, and we have no doubt that we will be able to establish Mr. Landis’ identity at trial, due to his propensity to wear yellow shirts, and his pronounced limp. 
     
    As always,
     
    Your fiendishly devoted servant et al,
     
    Al Maviva, Esq.

  4. Unknown

    Maybe the esteemed Al Maviva, Esq., would be willing to undertake another lawsuit against Mr. Landis. The roads of my favorite cycling course and the trails outside of our town are now inudated with cycling menonites. They dress funny, know no cultural TV and radio references, and try to stop fights between fellow mountain bikers or road cylists and motorists. Their parents frequently are out trying to pull them off the roads in the name of the Lord. How many funny dressed mothers crying for their son’s souls do you think kills a good cycling buzz? Not many! To make matters worse all the menonites walk around with a limp! It is starting to look like an all white episode of "What’s Happening" on the sidewalks.I can’t take this! Landis must pay!

  5. Unknown

    my client, mr. jan ulrich, would demand equal time and or abuse in this blog or there will be serious repartrations to be extruded fort worth.
     
    sinfully.
     
    Bikemike,  Fsq.

  6. Thomas

    If you raced in the Tour deFrance or even if you didn’t, not too worry.
    There is a way to have that cutting edge and maybe even become a Floyd Landis boosting energy and stamina and if in pain, pain management too. How? By the all natural way of a cutting edge technology in the form of a non-transdermal patch(Nothing Enters The Body) that communicates to the body to burn fat and increase energy with benefits of reduced pain. Sound too good to be true! At first maybe, but many professional athletes,everyday sports enthusiasts and those not so physical are fast learning this best kept secret.
    Yes, top cyclists on the Tour are wearing them as well. I personally can attest to them as my experience has been nothing less then outstanding in cycling, tennis and 10k runs. After using the patches the  pain from my Rheumatoid Arthritis of forty years
    has subsided and just about vanished in addition to all the other benefits. On top of that the patches are healthy, proven safe, tested, and aceppted by the ADA as nothing enters the body. For more info about this secret and The Real Story Behind The Patches feel free to e-mail or visit http://www.LifeWave.com/ffe
    Have A World Class Day!
    Thomas Burke
     

  7. Unknown

    I hope I get avascular necrosis soon, preferably in both hips and maybe in the brain too.
     
    Botched
     
    P.S. Some expert. That guy sounds full of crap. And what’s up with Dr. D.R.? That’s just dumb.

  8. barry1021

    Ah to the good old days, when FC was not as big a star and wasn’t getting spammed. The price for success.
     
    I have now taken Floyd’s perfomance to a whole new level. Last night my wife came home and asked me why I had not made the salad for dinner as I was supposed to. My reply: "Sorry Honey, I just Stage Sixteened and forgot". And my six month review at work was a record for briefness-"Boss, it’s been a stage sixteen since January, I admit, but I am gonna stage seventeen from here on out". Living in Boston, I expect the Mass Transit Authority will come out with their "oops, it was our stage sixteen" to explain the collapsing roof in the Big Dig any day now.
     
    Al–M. Kitchen Sinkewitz?? Oh man, at the very least, you owe me clean-up renumeration for peanut butter sandwich spittle in my keyboard. I really have to remember not to be eating or drinking when I read your posts.
     
    But the best stuff cannot be made up–how cool was the picture of Floyd’s parent’s house–a big sign "To God The Glory" (obviously the "official" sign), and then a little sign stuck in the dirt "Floyd’s The Man". Very cool.
     
    B21

  9. Ashbygirls

    Floyd is the man. Unfortunately I made the mistake of promising the TdF gods after stage 16 that if Floyd could come back and win the tour, and if I get pregnant this month, that I would name my child Floyd. I don’t know if the TdF gods have any special fertility powers, but let’s just say I’m a little nervous.

  10. Unknown

    Inspiring though it may have been there is little chance Mr. Landis will repeat his TdF victory in 2007. A group of investors backing the Earwax-Vegemite team has discovered a young man raised in the confines of a strict Dervish household who will have both ankles replaced during the Tour itself. His chronic shoulder bursitis will go untreated. "Everybody feels pain," he says. "For some reason my body is just able to interpret it as a really good time." A rumor that Landis will defect to the T-Mobile squad will also affect his reputation, as he’s almost certain to be ridiculed as "Pink" Floyd if he doesn’t give us a reprise of Stage 17 heroics. Sad how this stuff pans out.

  11. barry1021

    AshbyGirls
     
    Hmmm, you sure don’t want to break your promise to the TDF Gods, they are very powerful (Al. M is on their Board of Directors). Several possibilities here.
     
    1. Refrain from the Wild Thing until August 1.
    2. Did you promise them it would be the First name?
    3. Dilute it. Call him Elden-Floyd or FattyCyclist-Floyd. No one will even notice the Floyd part.
    4. Foreign-ize it. Jean-Floyd, or Louis-Floyd. You can pronounce it differently ("excuse me, it’s pronounced Floo-eede")
    5. Explain to the Gods your promise was based on the Hebrew calendar. ("I didn’t mean July, I meant Nisan").
    6. Borrow my 16 year old daughter for a week. Your desire to procreate will vanish (Zero Population Growth cover child).
     
    Geez and what if its a girl?? Floydetta??
     
    B21
     

  12. BIg Mike In Oz

    The Phonak legal team have been awaiting this day for years.  The chance to finally reveal the true origins of their naming entity.
     
    Mr Maviva would be well warned to carefully research all aspects of this case before proceeding.  There are dark and powerful forces at work here that he is not in a position to fully comprehend.  And he is also not in a position to sell his soul for a favourable verdict.  Lawyer… soul… you work it out.
     
    It is important at this juncture to remember that almost every word, in every modern language, is derived from a similar sounding word in a different more ancient group of languages.  Such is the case with Phonak.
     
    I call your attention to the ancient greek phrase – fhun knackerd.  The word phonak was derived from a contraction of that phrase.  To better understand the ancient phrase it is necessary to look at 2 other modern words derived from the ancient – phun… fun, knackerd… knackered.  Fun needs no explanation.  Knackered is more of an English word than American and means tired, stuffed, exhausted.  It is a mild interpretation of a much harsher word.  In ancient manuscripts it translates as dead or killed.
     
    Thus it is shown that the warning that Mr Maviva contends is missing, is in fact right in front of our faces.  Phonak literally translates to FUN CAN KILL.  Floyd was wearing the warning on his jersey every turn of the pedals.  If the viewing public was too ignorant to investigate the source of such an unusual word, the team can not be held responsible.
     
    You can only put so many labels on a bottle of arsenic, it’s up the individual whether they believe or ignore the warnings.
     
    Floyd trained for years to build up his tolerance to the deadliness of a seemingly enjoyable pass-time.  But without that conditioning he would be just as susceptible as the next man.  The nausea mere mortals feel climbing a long steep road is a warning and if individuals try to emulate Floyd and go twice as fast the nausea turns into any number of far worse symptoms, including drowning on dry land.
     
    Surely (or surly, or both) Mr Maviva realises the futility of commencing an action against such a solid defence.  But if he chooses to proceed I say bring it on, I’ve been banging my head against a brick wall as training for just this moment.
     
    yours sincerelyMr Sven Ghali Esq.Phonak Senior Legal Counsel

  13. Unknown

    I read this about 30 seconds after reading the Floyd may have tested positive for drugs during that stage. Kind of lost the funny after that.

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