The Best Bike Race Ever

You know, it’s a shame I’m moving next week, because on yesterday’s ride, I had an idea for the best bike race ever, in the history of…ever.

And as far as I know, right here in the Redmond, WA area may be the only place where it would actually work.

Here’s what I’m thinking.


Stage 1: Track

The race starts at the Marymoor Velodrome with sixteen laps around the track. A test of pure power.


Stage 2: Cyclocross

Staying at Marymoor park, the next stage is Cyclocross. Your transition counts as part of your total time, so you won’t want to dilly-dally. Luckily (unlike Tri), all this means is changing your equipment: your bike and (probably) your shoes. And yes, Marymoor Park really does host Cyclocross events, so this isn’t just a theoretical, convenient placement. You really could make the immediate, direct transfer from track to cyclocross. Do three laps of the course.


Stage 3: Road

Jumping off the ‘cross bike (and switching back to your road shoes) and onto your road bike, take the rolling highway 202 up to Snoqualmie Falls—the road has an excellent shoulder the whole way, so you wouldn’t even have to shut down traffic altogether. After the quick climb to Snoqualmie Falls, hang a right and climb up to the Tiger Mountain parking lot. I’m not exactly sure, but I think this is only 15 miles altogether, which will feel like plenty, considering the big climb up to Tiger Mountain (and the fact that you’ve just done a track and ‘cross race).


Stage 4: Mountain Bike

At the Tiger Mountain parking lot, swap out to your mountain bike (and do one more shoe change), then ride the graded three-mile dirt road climb (a perfect single speed climb, I’d think, if you’ve still got the legs for it), and then take the twisty, technical, excellent singletrack down to the bottom, demonstrating that there’s more to your riding ability than just a good set of legs.


There. One big bike race. Four bike disciplines. No driving between stages. It would leave you cooked in whole new ways, and demonstrate how well-rounded of a cyclist you are.

I don’t know if such a race could be managed anywhere else in the world. Maybe that’s part of why I love the idea of it.

Hey, race-promoter types: please, do this. Please. You can name it after me. Call it "Fatty’s Gauntlet."


Today’s Weight: 163.8. That’s a net loss of 6.8 pounds since Monday. The Stunt Diet™ rules.


PS: Next week, I’ll be moving. During this time, Dug will be guest blogging. I admit I have two fears related to Dug blogging:

  • He will mess up the place. I worry that he will offend everyone and nobody will ever come back.
  • He will clean up the place. I worry that he will be much funnier and more interesting than I, and nobody will want me to ever come back.

PPS: Since I’m going to be gone and unable to look at comments next week, I’m going to wait ‘til I’m back the following week to do my MSN Free Stuff-Palooza. Thank you for your patience.


  1. Unknown

    good luck on the move.
    great race idea.  some hardcore guys
    are going to do the whole thing on a
    cyclocross bike. unless, you stipulate to do it
    on the specific bike for that event.
    the cool thing would be to put the same atb
    pedal on all of your bikes and get a nice light weight
    pair of mtn shoes….BAM, almost no transition.
    get some of that, tri ge…um…people.

  2. Unknown

    The stunt diet may rule, but how many trees will die because of all the trips to the toilet. Think about the enviornment in other ways than saving energy commuting. Actually, I’m just jealous of your weight loss prowess, and wish I had come up with the Stunt Diet myself, so never mind my comments.

  3. Fat Cyclist

    bikemike – if i were running this race, i would allow people to do the whole thing on a ‘cross bike if they wanted. Fixie ‘cross: even better. And you’re right, setting up one set of shoes for the whole thing would be a good way to save a few seconds. It’s an intriguing race idea, no?
    craig – you know, i’m curious what my gain over the weekend will be. i won’t truly celebrate the stunt diet unless i can show a good, strong net loss on monday.
    boz – believe it or not, the stunt diet has not given me even a moment’s worth of gastric distress. i’ve felt good the whole week. try it and see! first week’s on the house.

  4. ...And The Little Minion

    Good to hear the Stunt diet is working well. My husband is not having the same success on his Otter Pop diet… I wonder why…
    Good luck on your move!

  5. BIg Mike In Oz

    I’m sure Bob won’t make a complete mess of the place.
    Just don’t look too closely at the fingerprints on the windows and the chip packets under the couch.  They were probably there before you left.

  6. Walter

    Good luck with the move.  Oh, and don’t worry about this place while you’re gone… heh, heh, heh…  I’m thinking that, while you’re not minding the store, maybe we could cook up (so to speak) a contest to determine what the next few items on the stunt diet should be …

  7. Jan

    Actually, you could do that race in Edmonton, AB as well. One of our cyclocross courses is around the Velodrome in this area. From there it would be easy to transition to a road ride and then into a mountain bike ride through our gigantic river valley.

    Incidentally, I’d like to apologize for my comment a few posts ago where I suggested that you just cut back on what you eat, as opposed to changing what you eat. I was chastised by another commenter.

    Instead, I think you should eat only things that stay in your helmet after you’ve chopped them up. Everything has to be chopped vigorously for five minutes, and then dumped into your helmet a handful at a time. Anything that doesn’t fall through the vents is yours to eat.

  8. Carl

    Greetings from Bellingham.  Actually, this is not that far an idea from something myself and some friends are trying to orchestrate up here.  We were thinking of doing the same thing without Track (obviously), and no transitions (getting points for finishes in each disciple spaced apart for adaquate recovery.  The race would be Cross (WWU course), Road (North Shore circuit), Mountain (Galby), and finishing with the Downtown Crit.  Your gotta have the crit!!!
    Adding track would be awesome ‘cept that we’re a good hour and a half from you. 

  9. Unknown

    There goes the neighborhood.
    P.S. You know, dug actually fills a currently empty nich in the blog-verse: Former mormon, former cyclist, current entrepeneur, currently angry guy.

  10. Unknown

    Crap, now I’m angry too. Niche, not nich, although I’m sure that dug could fill one of those too.

  11. Unknown

    It would work in Lehigh Valley PA as well. Do not forget the
    Trexlertown Velodrome. I dunno if they do ‘cross near there, but there
    are plenty of roads to race on there, as well a places for mtb which
    means probably places for a ‘cross race as well.
    I wonder if USA cycling would sanction such a race?

  12. Tom Stormcrowe

    It would work around here too! It could be tied in with Town Run Trail for thwe MTB stage, Major Taylor Velodrome for both the Cyclocross and the Track stages and a Road Crit down in Indy.

  13. Unknown

    Love your blog, but the format is a bit off in my Firefox web browser. 
    The middle column of text containing your main article runs into the right column
    listing fake news, sisters, blogging cyclists, and archives.  I checked
    and the format is ok in Internet Explorer.

  14. Unknown

    Regarding the race, would it be against the clock or a mass start?  If a mass start, how many racers could you accomodate on the track.  Sounds like mayhem if you had a field of 50 people.  It might be more interesting if each stage were a separate race with points awarded according to where you finished each race.

  15. BikerInSwitzerland

    I’m sort of new of cycling – why would any one have different proprietary pedals systems on different bikes? SPD’s work great on both MTB and Road! Guess I am idiot who didn’t know any better and just put SPD’s on both my bikes.

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