Are You a Bike Snob?

If you are a cyclist, the following moment either has happened, or will happen someday soon: You are on your bike, riding along, when a car passes you, with one or more bikes on its rack. After doing a quick assessment, you think a single word: “Junk.”

Or it might be an equivalent word, probably with the same number of letters.

That, my friend, is the moment you became (or will become) a bike snob.


Gauge Your Bike Snobbery

So, the question is not whether you are a bike snob. Rather, it’s, “How much of a bike snob are you?” Answer these questions to find out.


1. Finish the following statement: “My bike is worth…”

a. More than I admit, even to close personal friends. And it’s worth much, much more than I admit to my significant other.

b. Its weight in gold.

c. Really, just gold? Well, I guess that’s how much mine was worth before I upgraded the wheelset.


2. You are riding along the pavement when a recumbent bicycle with a bright orange flag approaches from the other direction. What do you do?

a. Smile and wave. Hey, it’s great that we’re both on bikes, no matter what kind!

b. Nod nearly imperceptibly, so that others on real bikes will not notice.

c. Ignore this Philistine, and avoid eye contact at all costs. Cross to the other side of the street if necessary.


3. When was the last time you cried?

a. When someone stole my bike.

b. When someone scratched my bike.

c. When I was in the local bike shop and a pudgy guy with baggy MTB shorts and a BMX helmet came in with a Bianchi S9 Matta Ti/Carbon Record, asking the mechanic to put slime in the tires so it wouldn’t get flats so often.


4. How many bikes do you own?

a. 2

b. 3-5

c. Are you counting complete, rideable bikes? Or do I have to count all the frames? Also, do I have to count the vintage bikes I keep in case I ever decide to open a bike museum? How about the one that Eddy Merckx once touched?


How to score yourself
Oh, be serious. You know how bad you are.


Today’s weight: 162.2

PS: This has been a sneak-peek excerpt from “How to be a Bike Snob,” written for Be sure to watch for the whole article, including many valuable tips and techniques on how you can be the snobbiest cyclist possible. Coming soon! I think.

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